There’s a pervasive cultural myth that prioritising ourselves is selfish. Many people believe that putting our needs first makes us narcissistic, that true love requires self-sacrifice, and that Valentine’s Day is only meaningful if we have a special someone.

But loving ourselves isn’t selfish. It’s foundational, forming the basis for every healthy relationship we’ll ever have. It’s the source of our resilience, and the key to showing up fully in the world. As Valentine’s Day approaches with its barrage of romantic messaging, it’s important to challenge the myths that keep us from embracing the most important relationship we’ll ever have – the one with ourselves.

Myth 1: ‘You need a partner to be complete’

A client of mine was a woman in her fifties who indicated she was happy living on her own. Men regularly asked her out, but she often found herself writing them off after they bored her, talked only about themselves, or otherwise behaved badly. She wondered aloud whether her happiness in her own company meant there was something wrong with her. I had to explain that her self-contained state made her one of the most emotionally healthy women I’d spoken to all week.

The sneaking suspicion that we’re somehow incomplete without a romantic partner is so deeply embedded in our culture that we rarely question it. (Or, as in the case of my client above, we question ourselves if we’re satisfied with the absence of a significant other.) But the ‘other half’ mythology is inaccurate, even dangerous.

When we believe we need another person to complete us, we enter relationships from a place of desperation rather than a sense of completeness. When we build our sense of self on the foundation of another person’s love, we create a house of cards that collapses the moment that love wavers or ends. True completeness requires deep self-knowledge, self-acceptance, and the ability to meet our own emotional needs.

Your worth isn’t determined by your relationship status. Your life isn’t on hold until someone chooses you. A partner should complement your already-full life, not complete it. This Valentine’s Day, if you’re single, treat yourself. Buy yourself gifts. Discover what brings you joy independent of anyone else’s approval. Build a life so rich and full that a partner would be a bonus, not the main event.

Want a set of downloadable, printable, affirmation cards for self-love? Visit Brookfield Psychology’s sister shop.

Myth 2: ‘Romantic love is superior to other forms of love’

Valentine’s Day marketing centres on the notion that romantic love sits at the top of the tree. Implicit in that is the view that other forms of love, including platonic friendships, familial bonds, community connections, and especially self-love, are just consolation prizes.

But different types of love serve different purposes in our lives – and all of them are valuable and important. The deep, enduring friendship that’s weathered decades. The bond with a brother or sister who knows your history better than anyone. The community that gives you a sense of belonging. The relationship with yourself that determines how you navigate everything else.

Research on wellbeing consistently shows that strong social connections of all types contribute to happiness, longevity, and mental health. People with rich friendships often report greater life satisfaction than those who focus exclusively on romantic relationships.

This Valentine’s Day, instead of focusing solely on romantic love, honour all the love present in your life. Write thank-you notes to friends who’ve supported you. Call a family member you’ve been meaning to connect with. And celebrate the evolving relationship you have with yourself. Romance is one beautiful form of love, but it’s not the only one that matters.

Myth 3: ‘Focusing on yourself is selfish or narcissistic’

The most damaging myth of all is the one that equates self-care with selfishness. This belief runs especially deep for women and caregivers who’ve been conditioned to believe that prioritising their own needs is wrong, that true love means self-sacrifice, and that taking time out for themselves is indulgent.

But self-love involves meeting your own needs so you can show up fully for others. Self-neglect doesn’t make you noble – it makes you less effective in all your relationships. When you consistently ignore your needs, you become resentful. When you allow others to trample our boundaries, you enable unhealthy dynamics. When you don’t invest in your own wellbeing, you model poor self-care for those around you (especially children).

Caring for yourself makes you more available and present for the people you love. When you’re well-rested, you’re more patient. When your needs are met, you’re more generous. When you’ve invested in your own joy, you have more to share. Self-love isn’t the opposite of loving others—it’s the foundation for doing it sustainably.

Myth 4: ‘Being single on Valentine’s Day means something is wrong with you’

The stigma and pity directed at single people around Valentine’s Day is palpable. From ‘concerned’ relatives who ask why you’re not paired up, to pitying looks from coupled friends, the message seems to be that you’ve failed in some fundamental way. This pressures people to settle, to rush into relationships they’re not ready for, or to stay in partnerships that no longer serve them.

Your relationship status says nothing about your worth, your desirability, your lovability, or your future. Many people are single by choice, recognizing that they’re in a season of growth, healing, or self-discovery. Others are in transition, having recently ended a relationship and taking time out before entering another. Some simply haven’t met someone who complements their already-full life. And some are thriving happily as singles.

Flying solo can be an empowered, fulfilling life choice at any age. It offers freedoms that coupled life doesn’t, such as the freedom to make decisions based solely on your own preferences, to change direction without negotiation, or to invest in friendships and personal interests.

The question isn’t, ‘What’s wrong with you that you’re still single?’ The question is, ‘What opportunities does this season of your life offer?’ If you’re single this Valentine’s Day, resist internalising the message that something is wrong with you. Make a list of all the freedoms, joys, and opportunities your current season affords you.

Myth 5: ‘Self-Care is indulgent and superficial’

Self-care has been so commercialised and commodified that it’s easy to dismiss it as superficial indulgence. But there is more (so, so, so much more) to self-care than face masks and bubble baths, wine, and shopping sprees. While these things can be enjoyable, they represent only the most surface-level, Instagram-worthy version of self-care.

Real self-care isn’t always pretty or photogenic. It’s going to therapy even when you don’t feel like unpacking difficult emotions. It’s having the hard conversation you’ve been avoiding. It’s setting a boundary that disappoints someone you care about. It’s saying no to commitments that drain you. It’s making the doctor’s appointment you’ve been putting off. It’s doing your taxes, managing your finances, and planning for your future. It’s getting enough sleep even when you want to stay up. It’s eating food that nourishes you.

Think of self-care as essential maintenance. Just as you wouldn’t consider changing your car’s oil ‘indulgent,’ taking care of your basic physical, emotional, and mental health needs isn’t optional luxury. It’s required upkeep for a functioning human being.

This Valentine’s Day, identify one ‘unsexy’ self-care task you’ve been avoiding and schedule it this week. Make that therapy appointment. Have that difficult conversation. Set that boundary. Do that financial planning. It might not be a task you post on Instagram, but it’s what actually sustains you.

Reclaiming Valentine’s Day for yourself

When you genuinely love yourself, you’re better able to love others. The world doesn’t benefit from your self-sacrifice and depletion. It benefits when you take up space, honour your needs, and show up fully as yourself. Your family benefits from a parent who models healthy self-care. Your friends benefit from someone who shows up authentically. Your future partner benefits from someone who already knows how to meet their own needs.

This Valentine’s Day, whether you’re single or partnered, challenge one of these myths. Practice self-love actively. Write yourself a love letter acknowledging your growth and resilience. Plan a solo date that genuinely excites you. Set a boundary you’ve been avoiding. Treat yourself to a pack of affirmation cards which celebrate self-love. Celebrate the love that already exists in your life in all its forms. Use this day as a checkpoint. Ask yourself, ‘How is my relationship with myself?’ and ‘What most needs attention?’ You don’t need anyone’s approval to prioritise yourself, but if you did, consider this your permission slip.